Open letter to my boss -
Thank you for coming in to work this week. You have made it quite clear to us all that you are (very) sick. I don't believe you when you say you're not "catchy." I bet you are. You haven't been to a doctor, so you don't really know. You are mopey, cranky, and sound like a dying transvestite that swallowed a cat.
It's really wonderful sitting across from you while you hack, cough, snot your way through the day. I love that you keep stealing kleenex off my desk and blowing your nose right in front of me. It makes me really happy that you keep touching stuff on my desk. Can't you see that I am being EXTREMELY liberal with my antibacterial hand sanitizer? Back the eff off.
Do us all a favor and go home.