No Matter What You Do, You Will Never Be This Badass

10 reasons it is going to be a good week.

It's Monday, and I am oddly looking forward to this week.  Here's what I am excited about:

1. Tuesday afternoon boat cruise on Lake Minnetonka - Complete with free booze and food.  Free!
2. The Natural Light beer that I am currently drinking at my desk.  It is cold, in a can, and remarkably refreshing.
3.  First kickball game of fall tomorrow night.  Under the lights.  Just like in high school.  We're also playing a team that wears cut-off jean shorts as part of their uniform, so that's neat too.
4. Wednesday group fun trip to the MN State Fair.
5. Llama Costume Contest at the MN State Fair.
6. Eating tasty food at the MN State Fair.
7. There are fresh WI cheese curds in the fridge at work.  I am eating some and enjoying them. 
8.  I have two free evenings this week!  This never happens!  Yay for free time!
9.  "Party for no Good Reason" on Friday with some of my favorite friends. 
10. This week will be followed by a long weekend.

$1000 Best. Roommate. Ever.

This ad for a roommate has got to be the best thing I've seen in quite awhile.  I hoping this guy found himself a kick-ass roommate, because he deserves one after this brilliant post:

$1000 Best. Roommate. Ever.

Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I'm a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York Fucking City. That's right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky shit-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist.
Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no fucking clue where to live. Honestly, I'm moving there in 3 weeks, so I don't give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub.
A bit about me: I'm respectful, quiet, clean and I won't bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I'm just like, "Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it's not mine." I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I'll even cook for you. That's right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don't eat meat? That's fucking FANTASTIC! I'll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off.
I also read a lot. I fucking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that shit. I read Tuesday's with Morrie the other day. It's a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. Fucking smart. Do you like movies? I fucking love them. We can watch the shit out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don't have to talk to you at all. It's completely UP TO YOU!
Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT? Of course you are! I'll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James Fucking Taylor. AWWWWWW SHIT YEA!
A lot of people ask me, "Hey, you're from Alabama. Are you racist?" And, the answer to that question is, no. I'm not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I'm a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That's the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right?
I own almost nothing! I'm driving my car from Alabama to California in which I'll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shitload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you'd like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I'm the most considerate person you've ever met. I'm offering to buy you shit already!
Am I interested in your pad? You can bet my nomadic ass I am! I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I'm taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I'll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I'd like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I'm ready to give you money.

 Originally posted on Craigslist (but now removed).  Re-posted on Gizmodo.

Best News Story Ever.

I love that this story made it into the Star Tribune: 2 Mankato girls in pjs take stolen goat for walk.

Happy Birthday, Royal Tenenbaums.

The Royal Tenenbaums is turning 10 this year, and it is still one of my favorite movies of all time.

Jewelry Love: VERAMEAT

We stumbled into VERAMEAT's East Village store when I was in NYC earlier this month.  I love their stuff and would have purchased half the store if I: A. Had loads and loads of disposable income, and B. Could decide which pieces I like best (I like so many!).   Here are a few of my favorite rings:

Tiny

Foxy

Goldfish

Feather

Baby Moose Power Love

Kill Two Birds With One Stone

Cat and Mouse

Blog Love: The Real Estalker

I stumbled onto this blog a few weeks ago, and I love it.  The Real Estalker is like the love child of People Magazine and Sotheby's. Click on the images below to check out the full spreads from these recent Real Estalker posts. 

Got $12,500?  Want to live like Alec Baldwin [used to]?

Pink's Pad is surprisingly not-so-pink.

Poorly Played, Ann Taylor.

These Ann Taylor ads with their new spokesbag Demi Moore make me want to shop at their stores even less than I did before - which was not at all. 

Ad Love: Brooks England

I've long been a fan of their bike saddles, but have never noticed any of their advertising until  I cam across this ad in Wallpaper magazine. 

Bye, bye Delmon.

Oh happy day.  The Twins have finally done something right; they traded Delmon Young to Detroit. His hitting this season has not been terrible - right now .266 which puts him on-par with the rest of the team this season.  His fielding, on the other hand, leaves much to be desired.  He is slow, misjudges the ball way too often, and phones it in out there left.  I, for one, am thankful that I won't have to sit through another home game watching Delmon misread a ball off the wall and tubby toddle his way over to it.  Or at least now I won't have to watch him do it in a Twins uniform.

Can't get enough: Cats in Costume.

Seriously.  I am 32 years old and I am disappointed in myself for not having been to a cat fashion show yet.

Robot Seals

When I read the headline, "Therapeutic Robot Seal Comforts Elderly Tsunami Surviors," I thought it was a joke, or maybe an Onion headline.  It's not.  It's real.  And it's pretty cute.   It also makes me never want to get old.